Current mood:

pissed off

i am destroyed.
how come this keeps happening? why can't i make up my mind about what i want?

i was excited about seeing him tonight, which is a big deal because lately we've been falling apart after what seemed like the perfect relationship (for a while). well nothing can ever last and i guess thats what happened here. we had our ups and downs like any relationship and then finally for like a month or two things were going so well. at least for me. and now this. the past several weeks have been hell.

i'm so mad at him for not having a license. i'm mad at him for living so fucking far away. we had plans for between 5 and 6 and well i'm a late person. and he knows this. and yet he still gives me so much shit. maybe i'm in the wrong here but it was 7:15 when he called me at my house and i said i was just leaving - which i was. it takes a whole fucking half hour to get there so yeah, i guess i would be two hours late. so he says don't bother coming over. i mean fuck him, so i'm late deal with it. we don't do shit anyway ..EVER. i mean what is his loss? really? because last weekend went shitty after a few hours of me being there and i had to drive home pissed off for half an hour while he just went on his computer to play his game. so like it would be an inconvenience for me to come over now? he says "i can tell tonight is going to be like last week so just don't come over"
like it fucking puts him out. i mean seriously, can you imagine if he were to come over here??? i would just relax and do whatever until he gets here and then if we get in a fight, why the fuck does it matter?? he leaves and i can watch tv or a movie or play a game or fucking get on the computer. but he has to suffer. i mean no matter how fast i drive, its still a half an hour drive. and the first fifteen minutes are in the sticks so even if i drive fast to get out my aggression, i'm worried i will hit an animal. i'll see eyes of a cat and slow down and from then on go like 45 (which is the speed limit).

FUCK.
none of this even makes sense anymore. i'm just so angry with him and i really wonder why we are still together.